Club Humour
10/08/04 - Submitted by John Sullivan
**SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2009**
*DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2009*
*HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL*
*PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS ACCORDING TO YOUR REGION*
**GLASGOW REGION**
Name...........................................
Nickname......................................
Gang name..............................
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
**EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION**
Name..........................................
Rugby Club...........................................
Daddy's Company........................................... ......
1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor.
Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle . His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
** HIGHLANDS REGION**
Name..................................
Glen...............................
Clan..........................................
1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?
4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?
Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring
10/08/03 - Submitted by Paul Toms
A Scottish Guy, an English Bloke and Large Breasts ...
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Scottish guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the English guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The English guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That English guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The English guy thinks:
That Scottish bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
And the Scottish guy thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that English bastard again.
10/04/01 - Submitted by Bill Kocmarek
Canada Post Recall
Canada Post has created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
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The stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enrages the Prime
Minister, who demands a full investigation.
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After a month of testing and spending of $4.1 million, a special
commission presents the following findings:
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1. The stamp is in perfect order.
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2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
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3. The Public is spitting on the wrong side of the stamp